


the enormity of desire

by medeas



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: AU, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, au bc of the childhood friends thing, jade is childhood friends with cat and andre, lowkey, they are all freshmen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24049456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/medeas/pseuds/medeas
Summary: The enormity of my desire disgusts me.Jade West finds that she doesn't really know anything, least of all how she feels about Beck Oliver.
Relationships: Andre Harris & Jade West, Beck Oliver/Jade West
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	the enormity of desire

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written a victorious fic since 2014 so please be kind! x

“I’m going to kill someone!” Jade West shrieks. She slams down a piece of paper onto the table, making it shake, and her friends eye her critically.

“Man,” André says, dipping a french fry into some ketchup, “can’t you wait until at least our second week of high school before you start committing any murders?” Cat nods in agreement, her red hair bouncing up and down. It gives Jade a headache. 

“Look,” Jade growls. She grabs onto the back of both André and Cat’s heads and shoves them towards the paper. “What the hell is this?”

André manages to spill some of his ketchup as Jade grasps his head harder. “The cast list for the Fall Showcase play?” He phrases this like a question, though he can clearly see the title of the page. His nose is nearly touching it. 

Cat simply giggles. “Is this your hit list?” 

“It should be,” Jade grumbles, letting go of their heads so abruptly that surely André and Cat have gotten whiplash. She sits down across from the two of them, still grumbling, and reaches over to steal a handful of André’s fries. He does not complain.

“Your name is on this list,” he points out instead. “What are you so wigged out for?”

Jade’s tone is venomous and her stare even more so. It always comes down to her having to point out the obvious. “Yes. But see how far down it is?”

“Um, sure.” André shrugs. Jade takes the remainder of his french fries, leaving him only with his hamburger for lunch. This is nothing unusual- Jade has stolen many lunches in the six years that the three of them have known each other.

“It isn’t at the top!” 

Cat twists a strand of bright red hair around her finger. André shoots her a look that distinctly spells out his confusion as to why Jade hasn’t taken any of _her_ french fries yet. “What does that mean?” 

“It means,” Jade huffs, and she sounds as though she is explaining the concept of color to a painter, “that I’m not the lead! Ugh!” She gives a swift kick to what she believes to be the cafeteria bench but instead happens to be André’s leg. 

“Ow!” He moans, french fries forgotten as he clutches his throbbing ankle. “You should really take up karate or something. You know, channel your anger in a healthier way and-” He is cut off by a wave of pain, one that Jade merely rolls her eyes at. André does have a tendency for dramatics. Then again, she supposes that they all do. They now attend an arts school, after all. 

“Beck Oliver,” Jade says. It comes out as more of a snarl. Both André and Cat furrow their eyebrows, their faces puzzled.

“What?” Cat questions just as André asks similarly, “who?”

“The… the asshole who stole the lead from me!” Jade crosses her arms in a huff as André merely laughs. “Yeah, it’s hilarious, isn’t it?” 

“Just like how you stole my french fries?” He points out. Jade just pouts. “You know, I’m finding it kind of difficult to feel sorry for you right now.”

“I’ll make you sorry,” she warns, but they both know that she doesn’t really mean it. Not right now, at least. 

“We’d better go,” André says, ignoring her empty threats. “Classes start up again in five minutes.” He and Cat move to gather their garbage. Jade does not. “Jade, I’m serious.” 

“I’m serious,” she says, but she gets up nonetheless. “I’m going to kill Beck Oliver.” 

André sighs. “As long as we make it to class on time, I don’t care what you do.” 

-

As it happens, Beck Oliver is present in Jade’s afternoon class. 

All three of them. It gives Jade an uncomfortable feeling that she cannot quite place.

“He’s a freshman?” Jade hisses as she takes her seat beside André and Cat. “Fantastic!” 

“Yay,” Cat cheers, oblivious. “New friends!” 

“I cannot believe a freshman would get the lead role in a Shakespeare play. What freshman auditions in the summer, anyway?” 

André huffs out a laugh. “Gee, I’m not sure.” 

“Besides me, obviously!” Jade says, smacking André in the arm for good measure. This is nothing out of the ordinary, so he is more charmed than hurt.

“You’re special, all right.”

“She is,” Cat agrees. Jade isn’t sure how to respond to both blatant sarcasm and a genuine compliment, so she chooses to remain silent instead.

“She’s pouting now,” André whispers conspiratorially to Cat, who giggles loudly. 

“I’m literally sitting right here.” Jade rolls her eyes. André’s sparkle.

“How could I forget?” 

“That’s it, I’m actually going to-” Jade’s imminent threat is cut off by the arrival of none other than:

“Beck Oliver!” Cat yells. The entire class swivels towards their direction, only looking away when Jade shoots them all deadly glares. Beck Oliver looks extremely uncomfortable throughout the entire interaction, and it has only been around thirty seconds. The thought almost makes Jade smile. Almost. 

“Um,” Beck Oliver says. He sounds confused. “Yes?” 

“What,” Jade says harshly, “aren’t you a little old to not know your own name?” Her tone makes André wince. Beck Oliver just stands there, his face frozen into a look of uncertainty. 

“Jade,” André whispers. She ignores him. 

“Maybe he just needs some help spelling it,” she tells André, an imitation of the way he spoke to Cat only moments prior. “Or,” she looks back up at Beck Oliver, now. “Can you not do that, either?”

Beck Oliver laughs, but it is clear that he does so for lack of anything else. Cat hiccups nervously while Jade waits for a response. André simply looks as though he wishes that the floor would open up beneath him.

“Look,” Beck Oliver says. His face is wiped clear of any other emotion except for blatant annoyance. “I was literally just going to ask if any of you had a pen. Okay?”

André reaches into his rucksack. “I think I’ve got one, man. Hold on.”

“Forget it,” Beck Oliver shakes his head, muttering something incomprehensible as he makes his way back into his seat. The sight amuses Jade greatly, even though André is glaring daggers at her.

“Really?” He whines. “He looks so cool, Jade!”

“I think he looks pretty displeased,” Cat observes. “Do you think Jade scared him?”

“I wish,” Jade laments, picking at her nails in a way that she hopes appears casual. She isn’t quite sure why she has to pretend, so she doesn’t think about it. “He looked more irritated than afraid.” And it shouldn’t be like this, should it? Jade is terrifying- at least, she thinks so, anyway. Perhaps her own validation isn’t enough, not here. This thought is the most terrifying thing of all. 

“I have a pen,” André says, brandishing some from his bag. “I have two! Maybe I should call Beck back over here.” 

“No!” 

The class begins before André can hand out any pens. Jade sits up straight, silently pleased. The thought of another interaction with Beck Oliver is not one that she wishes to dwell on. 

-

Jade’s phone beeps loudly in rehearsal that evening. Typically the loud ringtone would serve as a major annoyance. However, the entire cast is just sitting around waiting for the director to show up, so she does not really mind the interruption. 

**the three (3) amigos**

_ANDRÉ: hows rehearsal goin  
CAT: any murders yet? hehehe  
CAT: i’m jking! please don’t kill any1, jade! :(  
JADE: I won’t. Not yet, anyway.  
ANDRÉ: jade…  
JADE: We’ll see how I feel._

“I was thinking of pitching a play for the winter season, actually,” Jade hears someone say as she goes to type out another text. The voice pulls her out of her own world and she glances around, looking for its source. 

Beck Oliver. 

She knew that the voice sounded familiar. Jade hates that she can pick out the sound of his voice, the special way it rings out in a crowded room. She hates that she just thought of his voice as one being special. He’s standing a few feet away from Jade, talking animatedly to an odd looking boy with curly hair and rectangular glasses. 

“That’s so awesome!” The boy says, much too excitedly. It is clear that he is trying his best to impress Beck Oliver, what with his overly enthusiastic smile and the way he knocks his arm playfully against Beck Oliver’s bicep. The sight of someone getting on in such an intimate way with Beck Oliver makes Jade feel ill. “Which play?” 

“Probably _The Siege of Asonia_ ,” Beck Oliver says, and the boy gasps in a needlessly dramatic fashion.

“Cool! Is that the one with the donkeys?”

Beck Oliver snorts upon hearing the odd question, but Jade catches the way his mouth moves to form the slightest of grins. He is pleased with the interaction, then. “Um, it’s more of a fantasy about the attack of one great kingdom by another. But… there are donkeys in it, I guess?” He shrugs. “Not entirely sure. Donkeys aren’t typically the first thing that I notice about a script, so.” 

Jade cannot help herself- she barks out a laugh. Both Beck Oliver and the boy turn to look at her as she replies, “ _The Siege of Asonia_? Good luck with that. It’s basically impossible to get the rights for that play.” 

The boy cowers slightly at her tone, but Beck Oliver remains unfazed. “I don’t remember asking for your input,” he tells her, and his voice sounds different than usual. Less composed. “But thanks.” 

Jade moves to respond with something equally as cutting but is interrupted by the imminent arrival of their director. “Sorry I’m late,” he yells. Jade notices that he is holding an iced coffee in his right hand and so really, how sorry can he be? “Everyone partner up. We’re going to start our warm-ups with the mirror exercise.” 

Before the boy can so much as let out a breath towards Beck Oliver’s direction, Jade grabs onto his arm. “You’re with me,” she instructs, dragging him to the other side of the room. He seems too stunned to argue. Jade is grateful for this, as she does not find the idea of explaining why she picked him as her partner appealing in the current moment. It is incredibly important to her that Beck Oliver is left wanting. She wants to wound him in any way possible and maybe taking his only friend is petty, but Jade never claimed to be anything else.

They face each other and Jade takes the lead, moving her arm up and down. The boy copies her movements with ease. “I’m Robbie,” he says as they twirl their ankles in perfect synchrony. 

Jade sighs. “Don’t care.” The two of them remain silent for the next little while, but Jade cannot help but notice that Robbie is not entirely invested in their exercise. Instead of looking intently at Jade his eyes are elsewhere, scanning around for none other than Beck Oliver. She can tell, as she’s been looking for him, too. Only to gauge his reaction, that is. “Are you in love with him, or something?” Jade asks, causing Robbie to let out a sudden squeak. 

“I- what? Who?” His palms immediately grow sweaty and Jade wonders how on earth he ever made it as an actor, because he is quite terrible at lying. 

“Beck Oliver,” she spits out, not bothering to hide the fact that his very name makes her whole body tense up with rage. They both sway side to side, but Robbie’s body is shaking now, so they do not look as in sync as before. 

“I’ve known him for a day,” he says, as though this means anything at all. 

“Me too,” Jade says. “I still hate him, though.” She regards the way that Robbie’s entire face flushes a vibrant red. “A crush?”

Robbie sputters loudly, not even bothering to imitate Jade’s next movements. “No!” He seems to sense her odd investment in his answer, as he does not say anything further.

“You know,” she says, ignoring Robbie’s obvious lie, “I hate you, too.” 

His face grows even redder at this comment. “But- I didn’t- why?” 

Jade shrugs in response. “Bad taste.” 

They continue the rest of the exercise in silence. 

-

“I need intel,” Jade announces at lunch the next day in lieu of a greeting. She sits down across from André and Cat in the Asphalt Café, not noticing the way they are trading nervous glances. “Someone close to him.”

“To who?” André asks warily, taking a cautious bite of his panino. 

“Beck Oliver.” 

Cat bites her lip instead of her own sandwich. “Why?” 

“To destroy him,” Jade replies, as though the answer were already clear. “Obviously.” 

“Obviously,” André echoes, and his voice sounds anxious. 

The three friends eat noiselessly for a moment; Cat and André in fear, Jade in deep thought. Suddenly, Jade spots something that makes her eyes widen. “There,” she says, her food now forgotten.

“What?” Asks André hesitantly. He continues to eat his lunch but there is a specific nervousness to the way he chews his food.

“Robbie.” 

Cat tries to raise one eyebrow but ultimately fails, opting to simply raise both to display her disorientation. “Who?”

“The idiot from rehearsal.”

“But I thought that was Beck?” André questions with a mouth full of lettuce. Jade pulls a face.

“The other idiot.” 

“There are two idiots?” Cat asks, but her question goes unanswered as Jade begins to scream towards Robbie’s general direction. 

“Hey, you!” She yells, and Robbie must remember her voice from last night, because he turns her way.

 _Me?_ He mouths, clearly surprised, to which Jade nods vigorously and beckons him over. He seems scared when he approaches, as though he has come into contact with a wild animal. “Um,” he says. “Hello.” 

Jade discards his greeting with a flat order to, “sit down.” Robbie follows her instructions more quickly than anyone else ever has, which pleases Jade. At least he is easy. 

“So you’re Robbie?” André asks him in an attempt to make friendly conversation. He does not approve of Jade’s curious vendetta against Beck Oliver. She knows this. Yet, even though her and André have been close friends for years, she finds herself not caring. Perhaps this is because she recognizes that no matter what, they will always remain that. Close friends.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jade tells him as Robbie says, “yes.” 

“You’re Beck’s friend?” Cat asks with a grin. Her smile must be contagious to other people, as Robbie’s face breaks out into a grin of its own. 

“Kinda,” he shrugs. “I mean. Sure. You could- you could say that. Yeah.” The other three eye him, not entirely convinced. Jade has a sneaking suspicion that Robbie is not entirely convinced himself.

“Um,” Cat says, “okay, then!” She goes back to her lunch with a bubbly flourish that only she can accomplish. 

“We should invite Beck to sit with us, then,” André proposes, earning him a swift glare from Jade. 

“I will literally kill you,” she tells him, and this time, she is quite serious.

André considers this for a second. “I could take you.” 

“Oh really?” Jade snorts. “How’s your ankle, André?” 

“... Fair point.” 

Jade smiles. “That’s what I thought.” She turns towards Robbie and sees that he has not so much as touched his food, a large burrito. “You gonna eat that?” She asks him. André eyes her warily- he knows her question is a front. 

Robbie says, “um,” and Jade takes this as an invitation to pick up the burrito from its container and take a large bite. 

“Black bean?” She asks in between chewing.

“I like the pepper jack cheese here,” he shrugs. “Even though I’m mildly lactose intolerant.”

“So?” Jade questions as André asks, “mildly?” 

“I’m Jewish,” Robbie explains. “Meat and dairy together? It’s not kosher.” 

“Huh,” Jade says, sliding the burrito back over to him. Though not before taking one more large bite for good measure. “All right.” She begins to focus her attention on André’s lunch now and breaks off a piece of his panino, much to the boy’s dismay. 

“Come on, man,” André whines. “I didn’t eat breakfast!” Jade only chews louder. 

“What do you know about Beck Oliver?” She asks Robbie as he picks at his half-eaten burrito. 

“He loves acting,” Robbie says. “Like, loves it. He’s good-looking. He.. oh! Did you know he’s actually from-” 

“So not much, then,” Jade cuts in, and Robbie shakes his head in defeat. 

“Tragically, no.” He pauses a moment, which allows for confusion to set in. “Wait. Why do you want to know? I thought that you hated him?” 

Jade shushes him with a “shh” and a finger to his lips. “Don’t worry about it,” she instructs. So he doesn’t. Neither does she.

-

Robbie becomes a fixture not only at their lunch table, but in Jade’s life as well. André and Cat get along so well with Robbie that their group chat name has now changed to **the four (4) amigos** , allowing Robbie to spam it multiple times a day with ridiculous messages such as the one from this morning: 

_ROBBIE: i think that someone stole my toothbrush!  
ANDRÉ: what  
CAT: do u think that turtles brush their teeth?  
ROBBIE: my Hollywood Arts toothbrush! it’s gone!  
ANDRÉ: you have a toothbrush stashed at school?  
ROBBIE: you don’t?  
CAT: wait. do turtles even have teeth?  
JADE: I hate all of you._

“No one cares about your weird freaking toothbrush!” Jade shrieks when Robbie approaches her before the first period. “I’m serious, Shapiro, if I have to read one more goddamn message about a literal toothbrush I swear I will find it just so I can shove it so far up your-” 

“It’s not about the toothbrush,” Robbie says suddenly. His legs are shaking. “Though, I did draw up a list of possible suspects if you wanted to go over them with me in between periods.” 

“I would rather slam my fingers in a car door.”

Robbie nods, accepting this. “That’s fair.” 

They both regard each other for a moment, Jade crossing her arms and Robbie moving nervously from side-to-side. “I don’t have time for this,” Jade says finally. “Talk or leave.” 

Robbie chooses to talk. “Are you going to the cast bonding party?”

Jade shrugs and starts to put in her locker combination. “Wasn’t planning on it.” The less time spent with other people the better, even if they are her cast-mates. She’s a good actress, she can fake chemistry. 

“That’s what Beck figured,” Robbie says, nodding.

“What does Beck Oliver have to do with this?” Jade asks. If her tone of voice does not give away her irritation, then her slamming her locker shut definitely does. “Just because he’s the lead, he gets to run the entire show now?” She picks angrily at her black nail polish, digging at it in such a way that will surely ruin the entire coat. Jade cannot bring herself to care, too wrapped up in thoughts of Beck Oliver that burn blazing streaks of red.

Robbie says, “the party is at Beck’s house,” and then it all makes sense. Jade fills in the missing piece with ease.

“He doesn’t want me there.”

“No,” Robbie is quick to defend. “Beck didn’t say that!” 

Jade bites the inside of her cheek. “You have a crush on him. Your interpretation does not count.” 

Robbie shakes his head, but his face still turns red. “I don’t. Not anymore,” he adds once he sees Jade’s unconvinced look. 

“Gained taste?” She asks, raising a studded eyebrow.

“We’re friends,” Robbie tells her. “And he didn’t say he didn’t want you there! He just meant that. You know.”

“What?”

Robbie huffs. “You hate him. I mean, scary level hate him. More than you hate me, which I didn’t think was even possible. Why would you want to go to a party that he’s hosting?”

“You don’t know what I want,” Jade says, even though she privately believes that Robbie is right. She despises Beck Oliver, hates looking at him, flinches when she hears his name or worse, his voice. There is no good reason why she should ever willingly put herself into a situation where they would be forced to interact. And yet. “I’ll be there.” 

Robbie’s shock is written clearly on his face. “I- you will?” 

“Yep. I’m bringing André.” She pauses, considering. “And Cat.” 

-

**the four (4) amigos**

_ANDRÉ: are you sure that cat and i should come  
CAT: but i luv parties !:(  
ANDRÉ: yeah but it’s cast BONDING. we’re not in the cast, lil red  
ROBBIE: André does have a point.  
JADE: No, he doesn’t. You’re all coming, end of story.  
CAT: yay!:)  
JADE: Except maybe for Robbie.  
ROBBIE: hey! i’m the only other person who was actually invited to this!  
JADE: No one cares._

-

The party is loud when they arrive. 

Not to say that most parties aren’t. Still, there is something unique about this party in particular that Jade cannot quite put her finger on. It could be the fact that she has never attended a proper party, not really. She has all of the friends that she needs, so what would be the point? Jade is only here to prove Beck Oliver wrong. That’s all that this is. 

“There are juniors here,” Cat whispers as the four of them walk into the house. 

“There are some seniors in the cast, too,” Robbie tells Cat, who gasps as though he has just said that a celebrity will be in attendance. 

“Let’s go talk to them!” And then they’re gone in a flash of laughing highschoolers and loud music, Cat gripping onto Robbie’s arm as though he will lose her if she doesn’t.

“Just us, then,” Jade says to André as they venture further into Beck’s home. It’s nice; two-stories with a back balcony and what looks to be a large island kitchen. “He’s probably rich,” she remarks upon seeing the dining room, but André does not seem to be listening. 

“You know,” he tells her, “I always thought that it was going to be you and me.” 

His words stop Jade in her tracks, and she leans against the wall when she asks, “what do you mean?” so as to not lose her balance. André shakes his head. 

“I don’t know,” he says. Jade looks into his eyes and sees the answer there, what he isn’t saying out loud. 

“André.” 

“I don’t think that anymore.” He is telling the truth. “I think… I think that you need to let other people see what I see when I look at you.” 

Jade’s breath catches in her throat. “Hm. And what’s that?” Being seen is a beautiful and terrifying thing. 

André lifts his hand. Puts it down. “You. Just, all of you.” 

Jade cannot formulate an answer to this. André’s words paralyze her in a way that nothing else has before. She settles for another “hm.” They stand together for a moment, just stand, watching Jade’s cast-mates maneuver around the room as though they belong there. It’s something that Jade can never manage to get right. She can pretend as though she is an expert gambler, or her uncle is actually evil, or that she is from nineteenth century France. But she can never successfully act as though she truly belongs anywhere. The clothes she wears and the thoughts in her head do not help much, but Jade likes them how they are. It is a strange thing, standing out both because you want to and because you have no other choice.

André says, “I know why you’re here.” It’s funny, because Jade hardly knows herself now.

“You always think you know more than you do.” It’s a lie and they both know it, but one that neither dare to refute.

“You’re here because of Beck.” 

“You’re not wrong,” Jade tells him honestly. “I came to show him that I could come.” 

André studies her. “Is that all?” 

“Yes.” This answer is something else that neither dare to refute. 

“Then go show him.” André points over to where Beck Oliver is standing, surrounded by a group of girls, including Cat. The dim lighting does him little favors. He really does shine more brightly when placed on a stage. 

“I’m only going over there for Cat,” she tells him. “That’s all.” André simply laughs in response, leaving presumably to go and fish Robbie out from the swarms of people. 

“Jade!” Cat greets enthusiastically as she approaches the group. “Beck has a ping-pong table! He said that we could play!” 

Jade regards Beck Oliver for the first time outside of Hollywood Arts. Truthfully, he confuses her; his plaid shirt and blue jeans are nothing particularly special, yet she can pick him out of a crowd with ease. Maybe this is something else about belonging that she doesn’t quite get. “Did he?” Jade asks, staring purposefully at Beck. Her words are framed as a clear challenge, one that Beck is happy to rise to.

“I did,” he answers, looking at no one but her. Jade’s heart picks up and really, it’s quite funny how differently she feels when she’s around him. Whether it’s rage or something else, Beck never fails to light a spark within Jade. 

“I will destroy you,” Jade tells him. She is no longer talking about ping-pong.

Beck laughs. “I want you to.” He does not seem to be talking about ping-pong anymore, either. 

-

Beck beats Jade at ping-pong but Jade shoves his head into a punch bowl afterwards, so it evens out. 

-

**the four (4) amigos**  
_CAT added 323-xxx-xxxx to the group.  
ROBBIE: oh! welcome, beck!  
ANDRÉ: hey man  
BECK: uh, hey?  
CAT changed the group title to **the five (5) amigos**  
JADE: There are too many amigos._

-

Their table in the Asphalt Café is bigger than Jade ever imagined it would be. She’s not sure how to feel about this. 

She especially isn’t sure how to feel about this: Beck greeting them all with a nod and sitting directly across from her on the bench. 

“Don’t you have anywhere else to sit?” She asks as Beck sets down his pizza slices. They look delicious, but for some reason stealing Beck’s food feels off-limits. Jade hates that he’s here, hates that there are different rules when he is around.

“Don’t _you_ have anywhere else to sit?” He parrots back, taking a large bite out of his food. Jade watches enviously as the rest of her friends laugh from their respective seats like the traitors that they are. 

“You didn’t have to do her like that, man,” André wheezes into his soup. “You know she has no where else to go.”

Jade grants André another swift kick to his leg, this time on purpose. She cannot argue his point. 

“How's rehearsal going?” Cat asks then, blissfully ignorant to the deadly look Jade is shooting her.

Robbie groans loudly. “I still can’t get some of my lines pinned down!” 

“Isn’t the off-book date coming up?” André questions, to which Robbie groans once more. 

“It’s just all of these weird Shakespearian words. I can’t get my head around them!” 

“It’s far from rocket science,” Jade deadpans. “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

“That’s a bit dramatic,” Robbie says tentatively, as though the thought of speaking scares him. 

“It’s Shakespeare.” 

Robbie’s entire body heats up. He says, “oh.” 

“Anyway,” André interrupts with a wave of his hand. He is holding a pastrami sandwich and Jade calculates the pros and cons of making a grab for it. “I was wondering if anyone wanted to hang tomorrow night? We could chill at my place, maybe listen to some music I’ve been working on?” 

“I’m busy,” Cat replies. No one ventures to ask why.

“Jade and I have rehearsal,” Robbie chimes in. “We’re rehearsing that one scene where our characters-” 

“I can speak for myself,” Jade says, talking over him. She turns to André. “Robbie and I have rehearsal.” 

André deflates. “Guess you have to rehearse too, then,” he says, pointing at Beck. Beck shakes his head. 

“Actually, no. My character isn’t in that scene.” The way he speaks is almost hopeful and it’s odd, not suiting him at all. 

André doesn’t seem to notice. “So you’re free?” To Beck’s nod, he asks, “wanna hang out?” 

“Yeah, definitely.” Beck smiles and it is then that Jade realizes- she has never seen him smile before, not truly. He’s smiled as different characters, smiled as someone he’s made up in order to blend in. Not like this, never like this. Like a match has been lit and he is on fire.

The flame jumps onto Jade, rips through her entire body. It’s hot and strong, spreading a type of warmness that makes her feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. This refuses to add up, but then again, math has never been Jade’s strong suit.

“Stop that,” Jade says. She doesn’t realize that she’s said anything until all eyes at the table are on her. 

“What?” Beck questions, bemusement written plainly on his face. Jade stills. 

“Nothing,” she says in return, not knowing how to explain the effect he has on her. Not wanting to. 

If she doesn’t have the rage, then what’s left? 

-

**Conversation with: Beck Oliver**  
_BECK: : hey.  
JADE: What?  
BECK: meet me at the park by HA?  
JADE: It’s almost midnight.  
BECK: so will you?  
JADE: Why?  
BECK: i want to talk to you.  
JADE: Why?  
BECK: you make me see color.  
JADE: Excuse me?  
JADE: I’ll be there in fifteen._

-

Beck is sitting on a swing set when she arrives at the park. 

Even the way he sits makes Jade angry, gives rise to other things that she cannot spell out. It’s casual but not lazy, as though the entire world is something that Beck has uncovered completely. 

“I’m here,” Jade announces, though it is obvious by the way she stomps over to where Beck is sitting. “What do you want?” 

Beck takes a deep breath and looks skyward. It’s like he is giving himself up to the universe. “Why do you hate me?” He asks this in a way that makes Jade believe he already knows the answer. 

She steps closer, sits on the swing beside his. She asks, “who cares?” 

“Me.” 

“Why?”

“It’ll be awkward if we’re the only ones in the group who aren’t friends,” is his reply. It’s a cop-out and Jade knows it. 

“I never took you to be someone who cares about that sort of thing,” she tells him. 

Beck shrugs. “I don’t.” He must know this is a contradiction. Then again, to Jade his entire existence is one, so maybe he just can’t see the difference. 

“Then why?” Her reply is another challenge. This one is different from their ping-pong game though, different from all of the non-foundational glares they’ve traded during and after rehearsals. It’s a demand for honesty, one that, as actors, neither are prone to giving. 

“You’re impossible,” Beck sighs. He gets off of the swing and stands, causing Jade to mimic his movements. She will not allow him to have the high ground, not here.

“I’ve been told.”

“No, I mean really.” Beck remains standing, and it almost hurts Jade to look at him. Her heart beats quickly, but the world doesn’t end. Time just stops. “You’re ridiculous.” 

“Well,” Jade says. “You’re irritating.” She doesn’t hit him for his comments, nor does she want to. It’s weird for her to be dissected out in the open like this and just not care. But it’s different, too. 

“You can be intimidating.”

Jade laughs. She has to. “To you?” 

“To other people,” Beck grants. “Not to me.” 

“No?”

“Nope.” 

They stand together in silence then, just looking at each other. Jade wonders when time began moving again, when her actions here suddenly gained consequences. She finds that she still wants to talk to Beck either way. “What did you mean,” she asks, “in your text?”

Beck scratches the back of his neck. “Ah- when?” 

“Cut the bullshit.” Jade allows for the air to seep into them both, for the night to power them some more before she says, “tell me what I am to _you_.”

“It makes no sense.” Beck tells her. It’s yet another cop-out. 

“Try me.” 

“Everything,” Beck says, and Jade listens this time, really listens. “Everything is muted, always. I go through these routines and they’re the same everyday. I talk to the same people, I go to the same classes, I have the same conversations, over and over again. It’s part of why I love acting, you know? I can experience new things. But you? You’re… different.” 

Jade scoffs. “Don’t give me that ‘you’re not like other girls’ crap, Oliver. I won’t fall for it.” _And I deserve more_ , she thinks, but doesn’t say it. 

Beck shakes his head. “No, no. Not like that. It’s like… my world has been so black and white. And now you’re here, with me, and everything’s become different. You make me see in color.”

“That’s disgusting,” Jade says. She doesn’t let herself voice her true reaction to this. She will not even let herself think about it. 

“Yeah,” Beck agrees. “It is. It’s also true, though.”

And that’s just it. Sometimes the truth is horrible and ugly. But sometimes it leads to a place that turns out to be none of those things, or maybe everything at once. 

They sit beside each other on the swings. It reminds Jade of their mirror exercises from rehearsal. She wonders if Beck has been her mirror all along, the thing that shows Jade all of herself yet none of it at the same time. Perhaps real mirrors show people who they are meant to be instead of who they actually are. 

Or perhaps, sitting here with Beck under the night sky, Jade is thinking too hard about things that shouldn’t be thought about at all. 

Beck reaches out his hand. Moves it towards her, fingers outstretched. 

Jade takes it without thinking.

Tomorrow she’ll turn this moment over in her mind, analyze it with a fine-tooth comb and assess every move they’ve made. Tonight she just looks towards the sky, trying to find the stars amidst the heavy air pollution. She won’t look into Beck’s eyes- that’s for later. 

But for now?

It’s better like this: Two teenagers outside after midnight, allowing the universe to swallow them whole.

**Author's Note:**

> so this has been a very interesting experiment for me. i used to write a ton of victorious (mostly bade) fics from 2012-2014. i was a very active member of the victorious/bade/liz gillies fandom and i don't think i've ever loved anything quite as much as i did this show. i wrote this after re-watching some episodes and realizing that my interpretation of each character has changed drastically since i was a huge fan. for instance, though i shipped bade, beck was at the bottom of my list of favorites. now he is in my top 3 and i think he is hilarious. i'm comparing this fic to ones i wrote years ago and finding many other differences as well. for one, i firmly believe that robbie is lgbt. i also have a very different view of bade's relationship- but still love them completely.  
> i won't say what my name on fanfiction dot net was, but just know that i wrote over 30 victorious fics! so i do have experience. my deep headcanons i've held since i was younger had to be reevaluated however, and i think that was the hardest part of writing this. it was very hard getting into jade's head. 
> 
> comments are incredibly appreciated! i would love to know how i did. i am still quite afraid that i've gotten jade completely wrong, so let me know your thoughts! though it was difficult for me at first, i do LOVE writing beck and jade's dynamic and am open to writing more, so let me know if you want to see that from me as well!


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